Many of you don’t know the fact that my Instagram account actually, started my son Stefan ( @miljanovicstefan ). There was particular situation in our life at that point, where we separated ( I went to Poland to work on one project for 3 years, and he decided to continue his studies and move from Italy, where we lived together, to Belgrade) I was complaining that I’m missing him too much and pressed him during one of his visits to Warsaw, to move in with me, and continue his studies in Poland … But he liked so much Belgrade… there was no way to convince him.. Stefan was so proud of me… Loved my sense of style and he introduced me Instagram as perfect social platform by saying: “Something that will entertain you any time you miss me” … Each word of my son has another meaning now. His words are, for me, like signs by the road and I follow them..
He died shortly after, in terrible traffic accident… and I lost the wish to live. It broke my heart. I don’t know why they call it : “broken heart”. It felt more like every other part of my body is broken too.
If you have a son and he dies, all of the sudden, do you stop saying you have one? Or you are always his mother, even when the other half of the equation is gone? My beautiful amazing son died in the traffic accident. He was run over… On pedestrians zebra , on green light for pedestrians …. 10:04 am … by the man who drove more than 100km/h….. in Belgrade city center.. Was January the 6th 2016. Stefan was 23.
When he died, I discovered a totally new dimension of pain. It is extremely hard, because I don’t lose him all at once; I lose him in pieces …every, single, minute.. still today — in the way his messages stops coming, in the way his scent fades from his clothes. … Every morning, I wake up, and there is that millisecond of hope, that all was just a horrible dream… Gradually, I accumulate the parts of him that are missing…gone forever … But at the same time my love for him is so strong and it is so alive.. ..that I can now assure you: death ends a life, not a relationship. All my Instagram adventure is dedicated to him.
This is a very painful part of my life, for all of you, who didn’t know that the Realfashionist profile was born like a pearl from the pain. . Do you know how the pearl is created? It is created out of a disturbance, out of pain: a grain of sand, finds its way inside an oyster’s shell. To protect itself, the oyster releases a substance to cover that grain of sand. That’s how pearl is made. That’s how Realfashionist is made. Some fill the hole with busyness. Some with work. Some with social lives. With booze. With relationships. Me? I guess I try and fill the hole with words. With giving a meaning to my life. Like the great Viktor Frankl said: “There is no meaning in life we give life meaning”!! Read his book Man’s Search for Meaning ( it changed my life)
Than I understood:
A woman with outward courage dares to die; a woman with inner courage dares to live.
After tragedy my biggest issue was and still it is: How to deal with the pain?
Even now, every time I think about it, it never fails to wind me. Startle me. Stop me in my tracks. And I wonder will I ever, ever, get used to it? As the initial tears of shock dry up, what’s left behind slowly sinks down into me. And makes the life that’s left behind just that little bit heavier that it was before. Will I ever adjust, I wonder to myself, to the fact that my Stefan is gone?
Since he is gone, I literally lost all my dreams. I dreamed just once during his absence .. and that dream happened (better to say I had my vision of him) just once. I saw him radiating happy and smiley.. I felt infinite love and joy.. love that I never ever felt before, and I’m gonna be 50 years old in a few months. I was overwhelmed with love!! His love. Unconditional! He smiled and we both knew he is not on Earth anymore. I felt he is well and happy…can’t explain.. but we communicated without words.. just thoughts and feelings. It’s unique life experience that can not be compared with anything else in my life. I thought I’m not letting him go back there..I thought I will hug him so strong and won’t let him go! So I hugged him strong feeling each muscle of his athletic body, perfume.. texture of his jeans shirt.. it was more real than any other experience I’ve ever had before or after. But at the same time I knew it’s a “dream” …Starting to break a part.. in tears and despair.. At the same instant struck me how it affected him immediately … he suddenly became broken inside.. he was tearing a part..in pain and despair.. he transmitted me that message in a way I can not even today explain to myself…My tears and despair are the only thing keeping him away from perfect happiness he is enjoying now .. He is back home and waiting there for me … and I woke up!
Life keeps going. You think it’ll stop, wait for you to be done crying, but it just keeps moving.
I could shed tears that he is gone, or smile because he has lived. I can close my eyes and pray that he’ll come back, ( and I did it for so long time) but than I opened them to see all he’s left. My heart was empty because can’t see him, but I fulfilled it with the love we shared. I could turn my back on tomorrow and live it for yesterday, but I’m happy for tomorrow, because of yesterday. I can ..remember him only that he is gone, but I cherish his memory and let it live on (That is why Realfashionist lives and why all my posts are tagged @miljanovicstefan) I could cry and close my mind, be empty and turn my back. But I do what he’d want: I smile, I open my eyes, love and go on.
I have made many decisions and had quite a life after this experience. The faith and love that I received in every cell of my body has never left and has grown and matured more and more. I became a more aware of human needs, sensibility.. Since than, I searched and gained both scientific and much of spiritual knowledge and will continue in that direction. I decided that, when the time comes, to stand before God, I will not have any talent inexperienced, that I can say with full justice, “I used everything you gave me so that I live my life in most of all doing everything to make my husband, children, my family, my friends happy.
Above all, my son Stefan!
And when I feel like crying, I “put on” a smile on my face.
It’s not easy but it’s “work in progress”
Love you my beautiful divine souls
Love you just the way you are